Monday, July 31, 2006

Asher Asimilation.

I despise Tar Asher. She was the supposed "Best Friend" I was fighting with. I call and apologize, being the bigger man and all, and all she has to say is "Mmmhmm..". Just some fucking unintelligble grunt. Me and her really need to talk but she keeps putting me off. Like she's constantly busy. She's a bitch, straight foward. You should see her talk. She uses words like "Hun", and "For shizzle". She is an overweight white vegan that pretends to be an outcast, But she talks like she's fucking the best thing to hit Jacksonville. Why am I friends with her? Because long ago, she wasn't like this. Before she had the friends. Before she had the band. Me, Her, Britt, and Victoria. the Outcast. The losers, nerds, faggots, rejects. What ever you wanted to call us, we were them. Long story short, Tar sucked the right dicks and earned a place with the interesting whores of Ware County. I dragged along, me being the only one of her friends that didn't screw her. Oh, don't think she didn't offer it to me. She said she loved me, she'd do anything for me. I wasn't hearing any of that. She cried, she flirted, she got me alone in her room. Finally I said, Look, I'm gay, alright?
So starts our long friendship. We did everything together. Could you beleve we skinny dipped on a cold Jacksonville beach? And changed under the peir. After that, we strut our stuff down the boardwalk, ciggerate (sorry i cant spell) in hand, waving at all the people. In a way, I had become Tar. But I'm tired of it. It's not who I am. Really, I don't know who I am. I'm desperate, I'm funny, I'm horny, I'm neat, I'm messy, I'm a walking contradiction, I'm Dr. fucking Phills. I just don't know anymore.
Today, I talk with tar. Tell her every little problem I have with her down to the very, last, line. You can bet I'll have a story for you tomorrow. Until then, I'm Mattie, and I'm Always on the move.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

HIV is a hell of a thing.

Dear Bloggers, Friends:

5 weeks ago, my mom was tested for aids. Wouldn't you know it, she's positive. Now there's a chance that she could have passed it on to me. Do you know how fucking hard that would be? Being gay with aids? It means that when ever someone hassles me with a list of stereotypes, I can't even deny it anymore. As if finding a fucking guy wasn't hard enough. My mom doesn't know it, but I took the test a week ago. Either way, there's two things i have to deal with.
a). I'm negative and my moms still positive with aids.
b). I'm positive.

Alright, new problem. My friend Tar right? I dropped her. We got into the most immature shit and now we not friends anymore or something. She want me to talk to her, but I don't know what to say. Saying sorry would bring about a whole list of reasoning for why I did it. Forgetting her, witch I'm perfectly fine with, would mean that I really cant keep a friend. Either way, things won't be the same. I'm out the band for good. I just need a way to tell her,
1. I'm sorry.
2. I quit the band.
3. I hate your personality.
4. Lets be friends.

There's just way to much going on for me. The fucking dude in my head keeps bringing back these sick fantisies, My mom's positive, I might be infected, I could never find a boyfriend. Oh, and my dog's dead. He tried to jump through my broken window and slashed his fucking stomach so he's at the Vet. Now that I think of it, if Tar goes, what really do I have? A dying mom and a tombstone.

Before you get any ideas, no I'm not going to kill myself. I'm not ever going to start cutting. I'm stronger than that. I was raised to just not care and ignore my problems. If I had to say one thing to each of my friends: I'm sorry. My name is Mattie, and I'll always be on the move.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Since I've been gone.

Dear Bloggers,

Sorry for the long delay, but its been hell here. I don’t know how much I can take. While my mom suffers in Atlanta I’m here working as errand boy for my sister. Meals have been rare to say the least, the babies are always crying, the smell of smoke and beer are constantly in the air, and I can’t tell anyone but you. My mom would be worried sick, and she really doesn’t need or deserve that. As for my friends... I have no friends. Drew left because I was too mean to him. I couldn’t help it. Putting him down all the time was the only way to keep from liking him. Lindsey and me had this completely immature fight. I ended up destroying everything. The band, The friendship. And poor Horace. My rooms a living hell zone. The mice taunt me, Roaches appear from darkened corners. Clothes, sheets, and dirty towels line the floor like carpet. Paper plates complete the old trash look making my room unfit for some dogs. And the worst part is: I cant do anything about it. I’m only meant to destroy, not create. I’ve destroyed my friends, my life, house, and now I can’t help but feel that if something doesn’t happen soon, I’ll destroy myself.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

The Legend Of Atomic Mattie Moose.

Dear Bloggers:

I'm going to tell you a story most people don't know about me. All my friends in waycross and on the web call me moose, but no one knows why. It's just something the've always done. It's not because i like mooses. It's not because a shot a moose once. It's because a long, long time ago, I was a superhero.
Me and my mom use to ge bored on occasion. Usually we would watch tv or make Kool-Aid. But on that night, I wanted to be a superhero. So mom tied a red towel around my neck and gave me a flash light. And my name was: Mattie Moose. It's sad I know. I was, like, 7 okay? Besides, I kicked major imaginary evil villian butt.
Well, that's my story for today bloggers. Until tomorrow, I'm Mattie, and I'm still on the move.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Mattie's On The Go.

Dear Bloggers:

My first entry. Exciting. I guess this is the part where I que the intro. My name's Matthew, Mattie for short. I'm gay but none of my family knows it. I'm in the 9th grade, so prepare to hear earloads of teen angst. My mom has had really bad luck with guys. Now she's going on 40(ish) and searching all over E-Harmony for a date. My sister is (A whore) 21 and has many issues. She wants so bad to still be in high school, she has a boyfriend that looks like he's 18. In fact, I think he is 18.. They always fight.
I know what you're thinking. What is it with my family and guys? It's this curse thing. My dog's a girl. My fish is a girl. Both my grandfathers died. I'm gay so techinically, I don't count as a guy... I've had boyfriends, but when you live in Waycross, the picking's are prettty slim. One guys a hairy video game freak obssed with Buffy the fricking Vampire slayer of all people. The others a fat (and I mean fat!) hick that trys to impress people by posing as a skateborder, German, and most recently my boyfriend. I'll be so glad to get out of here.
Okay, this is where the title makes sense. I'm moving back to where this whole thing got started. Atlanta. I was born there. My mom was happy there. We only moved to Waycross when Big Clix decided to lay everyone off. What does that even mean? Anyways, longstory short Waycross has no job oppertunities so we're moving back. My mom went early to let me finish school, But now it's the middle of summer and I'm still here. I don't blame her of course. She's having such a hard time down there. Sometimes she cant afford to eat herself. It makes me feel a little selfish when I ask to order pizza with her card.
Life for me isn't easy either. My water got turned off 2 days ago and i can only afford to eat ramen and fast food. My dog doesnt even eat most times. And now she has no water. Things have just been hell for me. I fill up most of my time on the internet. I've met alot of friends both on and off that really help me. Like this girl Lindsey. She's supportive, beautiful, cool, but not always practical. She wants us to open a high class vegan resturaunt And start an online clothing buisness And Start a band. everyone has to have a dream though.
There have been some amazing people that help me alot. This nice woman named Melba helps me out alot. She lets me get water from her house. Thank you soo much.
I guess thats it for today bloggers. To everyone out there, I'm Mattie and I'm still on the move.